You might occasionally ask yourself,
Why do I act this way?
Why am I so affected by my connections with others?
Why do I approach my relationships the way I do?
Why do I behave differently with my closest person?
Why am I so attached to them?
Why is conflict with my partner so difficult to handle?
The root of all these questions lies in your attachment style. Understanding your attachment style is key to any interpersonal relationship, as these patterns of behaviour form during early childhood and impact how we connect with others in our later life according to the attachment theories by Bowlby and Ainsworth. These attachment styles stem from our early interactions with our primary caregivers, usually our parents. How they respond to our needs shapes our attachment style and sets expectations for future relationships. Knowing your attachment style is essential for understanding your behaviour with others. Offering insight into how others perceive you, and fostering better communication with your loved ones. There are four attachment styles developed by Ainsworth which we practice effectively till today as well- Anxious, Secure, Disorganised and Avoidant.
Here we understand the crux of an anxious attachment style, its characteristics and how to modify this style.
What is an anxious attachment style?
Anxious attachment style, also known as “preoccupied” attachment, is a pattern of relating to others characterised by a fear of abandonment, a strong need for closeness, and emotional dependency on relationships. This attachment style develops in childhood if caregivers are inconsistent in their emotional availability or responsiveness. People with this attachment style often feel insecure about their relationships, fearing that their partner or loved ones may leave or not love them as much as they need. Some of the characteristics of this attachment style are of
- constant reassurance and validation
- worrying excessively about the intentions of others
- clingy or possessive
Indicators of this style are the characteristics but how they are presented to the outside world. These often show up in relationships and how a person manages emotional connections. Some of the indicators of having an anxious attachment style are:
Fear of abandonment
Fear of abandonment is the constant fear, anxiety or worry that your partner or close ones will stop caring about you. It is triggered on instances where you think the other people do not meet your needs. Here is an example of this. Alana recently got into a relationship and finds it extremely hard to part ways with her partner. She constantly worries that her partner will leave her for another person. She hence manifests this fear into the excessive need for reassurance that they will not leave her, checking her partner’s phone and also jumping to conclusions.
Fear of being alone
People with an anxious attachment style often have a profound fear of being alone and jump into relationships often. You might feel incomplete or uncomfortable without a romantic partner or close relationships. Prerana is a young woman who is competent in her career and has absolute trust in her colleagues but she has an extreme fear of being alone and manifests this quality as being in a toxic relationship detrimental to her mental health. She expresses to her therapist that she handles the aggressive behaviour of her partner because of the fear of being alone. She chooses to stay in an unhealthy relationship because of the fear of being single or alone. Often she tolerates this behaviour she wouldn’t otherwise to maintain the connection.
Overanalysing interactions
This is an important aspect of the anxious attachment style. You might end up reading too much into small things like texts or tone of voice and interpreting neutral or ambiguous behaviours as rejection or disinterest. You may sometimes dwell on minor things objectively, like how long it took for your partner to respond to your message, or interpret neutral actions (like a casual remark or change in body language) as major signs of disinterest and rejection.
It is often observed that these behaviours can cause a cycle in relationships where the partner feels overwhelmed by the anxious person’s demands for closeness. This can further intensify the anxious person’s fears and emotional reactions.
How do we modify?
While we have come to understand the markers of an anxious attachment style .We also need to acknowledge the detrimental effects it can cause to ourselves and others around us. Here are some of the ways you can improve to form a much more secure bond with your partner and other close relationships:
Build
Self-awareness is one of the pillars of knowing yourself. Recognising repeated patterns and recognising that you have this attachment style can instil a change in you to start to understand yourself and change accordingly. An advice around this modification would be to notice when situations trigger your feelings of anxiety or fear of abandonment. Reflecting on these triggers can help you understand their roots and help you work towards the goal of having a positive experience in relationships. A therapist can help you understand the origin of these triggers and help you manage them effectively.
Develop
By building self-awareness and recognising patterns and triggers, you are understanding the context behind your actions. The next step would be to develop a few techniques that can help you manage and cope with your triggers. A few of the techniques that can help you achieve your goals are developing self-soothing techniques, practising mindfulness and using positive self-talk. Self-soothing techniques like relaxation techniques (JPMR, guided imagery, deep breathing, meditation) can help you stay calm and relaxed after a trigger has intensified your emotions. Practising mindfulness techniques can help you achieve the goal of staying in the present moment rather than focusing and ruminating about the past or the future, this is an effective way to help you cope with anxiety-related thoughts. Positive self-talk is an important booster of confidence. Statements like “You can handle it”, “It’s okay to feel this way, let’s try to manage it”, “You have people who love you around you” and many more can create a great sense of confidence to be instilled within yourself.
Practice
After understanding yourself and further understanding what type of technique works best for your anxiety, the next step would be to practice these steps every time an anxiety-inducing situation appears. It is apparent to acknowledge that change is a gradual and slow process so clouding yourself with the perception that your attachment style will change after using these steps once or twice is a misguided perspective to hold. However small and consistent efforts to practice these steps and also seeking professional help can lead to more secure and fulfilling relationships.
In conclusion, the Anxious attachment style is rooted in early childhood experiences and becomes more important to address considering the challenges it presents to yourself. Markers of this attachment style include constant reassurance and validation, fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, overanalysing interactions, clinginess and overbearing and many more. Since these actions lead to a cycle where the partner becomes overwhelmed by the anxious partner and also intensifies the reaction of the latter, certain modifications can be made to reach a level of security. These modifications are building self-awareness, developing techniques to manage these reactions and practising them effectively.
