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Conquering Anxious Attachment: A Guide to Security

Understand the markers of having an anxious attachment style, its presentations and how to modify them effectively.

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Anxious Attachment, Anxious , Attachment, Understand , Style

  You might occasionally ask yourself,

Why do I act this way?

Why am I so affected by my connections with others?

Why do I approach my relationships the way I do?

Why do I behave differently with my closest person?

Why am I so attached to them?

Why is conflict with my partner so difficult to handle?

The root of all these questions lies in your attachment style. Understanding your attachment style is key to any interpersonal relationship, as these patterns of behaviour form during early childhood and impact how we connect with others in our later life according to the attachment theories by Bowlby and Ainsworth. These attachment styles stem from our early interactions with our primary caregivers, usually our parents. How they respond to our needs shapes our attachment style and sets expectations for future relationships. Knowing your attachment style is essential for understanding your behaviour with others. Offering insight into how others perceive you, and fostering better communication with your loved ones. There are four attachment styles developed by Ainsworth which we practice effectively till today as well- Anxious, Secure, Disorganised and Avoidant.

 Here we understand the crux of an anxious attachment style, its characteristics and how to modify this style.

What is an anxious attachment style?

Anxious attachment style, also known as “preoccupied” attachment, is a pattern of relating to others characterised by a fear of abandonment, a strong need for closeness, and emotional dependency on relationships. This attachment style develops in childhood if caregivers are inconsistent in their emotional availability or responsiveness. People with this attachment style often feel insecure about their relationships, fearing that their partner or loved ones may leave or not love them as much as they need. Some of the characteristics of this attachment style are of

  • constant reassurance and validation
  • worrying excessively about the intentions of others 
  • clingy or possessive 

  Indicators of this style are the characteristics but how they are presented to the outside world. These often show up in relationships and how a person manages emotional connections. Some of the indicators of having an anxious attachment style are:

Fear of abandonment

Fear of abandonment is the constant fear, anxiety or worry that your partner or close ones will stop caring about you. It is triggered on instances where you think the other people do not meet your needs. Here is an example of this. Alana recently got into a relationship and finds it extremely hard to part ways with her partner. She constantly worries that her partner will leave her for another person. She hence manifests this fear into the excessive need for reassurance that they will not leave her, checking her partner’s phone and also jumping to conclusions. 

Fear of being alone

People with an anxious attachment style often have a profound fear of being alone and jump into relationships often. You might feel incomplete or uncomfortable without a romantic partner or close relationships. Prerana is a young woman who is competent in her career and has absolute trust in her colleagues but she has an extreme fear of being alone and manifests this quality as being in a toxic relationship detrimental to her mental health. She expresses to her therapist that she handles the aggressive behaviour of her partner because of the fear of being alone. She chooses to stay in an unhealthy relationship because of the fear of being single or alone. Often she tolerates this behaviour she wouldn’t otherwise to maintain the connection.

Overanalysing interactions 

This is an important aspect of the anxious attachment style. You might end up reading too much into small things like texts or tone of voice and interpreting neutral or ambiguous behaviours as rejection or disinterest. You may sometimes dwell on minor things objectively, like how long it took for your partner to respond to your message, or interpret neutral actions (like a casual remark or change in body language) as major signs of disinterest and rejection.

  It is often observed that these behaviours can cause a cycle in relationships where the partner feels overwhelmed by the anxious person’s demands for closeness. This can further intensify the anxious person’s fears and emotional reactions.

How do we modify?

While we have come to understand the markers of an anxious attachment style .We also need to acknowledge the detrimental effects it can cause to ourselves and others around us. Here are some of the ways you can improve to form a much more secure bond with your partner and other close relationships:

Build

Self-awareness is one of the pillars of knowing yourself. Recognising repeated patterns and recognising that you have this attachment style can instil a change in you to start to understand yourself and change accordingly. An advice around this modification would be to notice when situations trigger your feelings of anxiety or fear of abandonment. Reflecting on these triggers can help you understand their roots and help you work towards the goal of having a positive experience in relationships. A therapist can help you understand the origin of these triggers and help you manage them effectively. 

Develop

By building self-awareness and recognising patterns and triggers, you are understanding the context behind your actions. The next step would be to develop a few techniques that can help you manage and cope with your triggers. A few of the techniques that can help you achieve your goals are developing self-soothing techniques, practising mindfulness and using positive self-talk. Self-soothing techniques like relaxation techniques (JPMR, guided imagery, deep breathing, meditation) can help you stay calm and relaxed after a trigger has intensified your emotions. Practising mindfulness techniques can help you achieve the goal of staying in the present moment rather than focusing and ruminating about the past or the future, this is an effective way to help you cope with anxiety-related thoughts. Positive self-talk is an important booster of confidence. Statements like “You can handle it”, “It’s okay to feel this way, let’s try to manage it”, “You have people who love you around you” and many more can create a great sense of confidence to be instilled within yourself.

Practice 

After understanding yourself and further understanding what type of technique works best for your anxiety, the next step would be to practice these steps every time an anxiety-inducing situation appears. It is apparent to acknowledge that change is a gradual and slow process so clouding yourself with the perception that your attachment style will change after using these steps once or twice is a misguided perspective to hold. However small and consistent efforts to practice these steps and also seeking professional help can lead to more secure and fulfilling relationships. 

  In conclusion, the Anxious attachment style is rooted in early childhood experiences and becomes more important to address considering the challenges it presents to yourself. Markers of this attachment style include constant reassurance and validation, fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, overanalysing interactions, clinginess and overbearing and many more. Since these actions lead to a cycle where the partner becomes overwhelmed by the anxious partner and also intensifies the reaction of the latter, certain modifications can be made to reach a level of security. These modifications are building self-awareness, developing techniques to manage these reactions and practising them effectively. 

Editor's Pick

The Voice That Dared: Kishori Amonkar and the Raga of Revolution

A maverick in melody, Kishori Amonkar reshaped Hindustani classical music with passion, power, and profound purpose.

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Kishori Amonkar, Gharana, Music, Classical, Voice

Kishori Amonkar (1932-2017)—a name which inspires reverence, rebellion, and raga. She was more than a voice; she was a movement. One of Hindustani classical music’s most iconic and revolutionary figures, Amonkar, did not merely sing—she revolutionised the paradigm of how music could be sensed, articulated, and, therefore, changed.

Born in Bombay in the dying embers of British India, music was Amonkar’s inheritance and battleground. Taught by her mother, the iconic Mogubai Kurdikar of the Jaipur Gharana, young Kishori learned the strict discipline of classical technique and the flame to challenge it. Her formative years were spent on tanpura-accompanied journeys with her mother, observing silently, soaking up, and planting the seeds of a future musical revolution.

Amonkar was already a force to be reckoned with in the classical scene by her late teens and early twenties. Then illness intervened—a hiatus that, in retrospect, proved her turning point. While forced out of music, she didn’t withdraw; she reinvented herself. When she resumed performing in the 1960s, her music wasn’t confined within gharana orthodoxy. She grasped the solid foundation of Jaipur Gharana’s precision and extended it, deepened it, and even ventured to break its rigidity. To Amonkar, music was never intended to be contained by lineage—it was designed to fly.

She once proudly asserted, “There is nothing called a gharana. There is only music.” This feeling permeated her every recital—a sonic khyal boom, a delicate thumri, or a spirituality-evoking bhajan. She sang with such expressiveness, such romanticism, such spiritualism. Her technique was infused with such authority over men (gliding between notes) that it approached not singing but the art of colouring with sound.

But she wasn’t always cherished for her defiance. Amonkar was criticised by purists who felt she was watering down the tradition. Her answer? Integrity and isolation. She didn’t play to the gallery; she played to the divine. “Music is a dialogue with the divine,” she said. Her stage presence was commanding, her rehearsals intense, and her silence before a concert sacred. She asked for respect, not applause—and delivered transcendence.

Offstage, she was no less powerful. Amonkar was strongly outspoken regarding how women were treated in music. She demanded equitable pay for artists and notoriously stormed out of performances over rude audience conduct—an action still discussed today as a defence of artist integrity.

Her musical understanding went beyond performance. She taught extensively on rasa (emotion) in music, wrote a boo,k Swaraartha Ramani in Marathi, and left behind a rich tradition of students who bear her name with pride. Even in films, she left her imprint, lending her voice to movies like Geet Gaya Patharon Ne and Drishti briefly before moving away from commercial music—led by her conviction that film sacrificed the soul of swaras (notes) for words.

Amonkar’s legacy is inscribed in her awards—Padma Bhushan, Padma Vibhushan, Sangeet Natak Akademi Fellowship, and many others. Yet her real award lay in each listener who remained transfixed, each raga she reimagined, and each boundary she transgressed.

She died in her sleep on April 3, 2017—almost in time for her 85th birthday next week. But her voice, haunting and therapeutic, remains. 

As tabla maestro Zakir Hussain said, “Her performances were landmark events that echo centuries.”

Today, we do not simply recall Kishori Amonkar—we return to the revolution she sang.

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Editor's Pick

Sam “Bahadur” Manekshaw: The Man Who Led India to Victory

The legend of Field Marshal Sam Manekshaw, India’s first Field Marshal and the mastermind behind the 1971 war victory

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Manekshaw , Military, Army, War , 1971 , Sam

Field Marshal Sam Hormusji Framji Jamshedji Manekshaw, known as Sam Bahadur, was India’s most revered military leader. His name goes hand in hand with courage, strategy, and leadership, and his contribution to India’s military history is incomparable. For being the mastermind behind India’s resounding victory in the 1971 Bangladesh Liberation War, he was the first Indian Army officer to be given the rank of Field Marshal. His four-decade-long career in the armed forces, covering World War II to India’s post-independence wars, established him as a national hero.

Early Life and Military Beginnings

Born on 3rd April 1914, in Amritsar, British India, Manekshaw was of Parsi descent. He was in the first batch of cadets at the Indian Military Academy (IMA), Dehradun, in 1932. Commissioned into the British Indian Army in 1934, he was posted to the 12th Frontier Force Regiment and subsequently to the 8th Gorkha Rifles. His daredevil spirit and keen mind gained him an early reputation.

Manekshaw acted extensively in the Burma campaign against the Japanese in World War II. Despite being seriously injured, he continued to command his troops, for which he received the Military Cross for gallantry. His image as a fearless officer became well known, and on Indian independence, he was involved in restructuring the newly established Indian Army.

Rise Through the Ranks

Manekshaw played a pivotal role in many military actions after independence. He was present in the 1947 Indo-Pakistani War and contributed notably to resolving the Hyderabad crisis. His career received a big jolt in 1962 when he was wrongfully accused of treason during a politically driven trial. Despite that, his honour was never sullied, and he was later exonerated of all allegations.

By the mid-1960s, he had achieved prominence again. He led the Indian troops successfully as the commander of the Eastern Command during the 1967 skirmishes with China at Nathu La and Cho La, India’s first triumph over China militarily. In 1969, he was made the 7th Chief of the Army Staff, paving the way for his most illustrious success.

The 1971 Bangladesh Liberation War

The most defining point in Manekshaw’s career was in 1971 when the East and West Pakistan tensions heightened. East Pakistan (Bangladesh) was flooded with millions of refugees because of the atrocities of the Pakistani army. Prime Minister Indira Gandhi requested Manekshaw’s advice regarding military intervention.

He famously refused to jump into war in a historical setting, as he said the army needed to be well-planned. His strategic patience had the benefit of keeping India militarily and logistically prepared when the war in December 1971 finally erupted. The Indian Army, under his command, made a lightning-fast and decisive attack, which led to Bangladesh’s liberation in 13 days. On December 16, 1971, Pakistan’s General A.A.K. Niazi surrendered 93,000 men, one of the most significant military victories.

For his exceptional leadership, Manekshaw received the Padma Vibhushan, the second-highest civilian honour for India. He was promoted in 1973 to the five-star rank of Field Marshal and became the first Indian officer ever to be bestowed with this position.

Legacy and Leadership Style

Sam Manekshaw was a great strategist and a commander who inspired unflinching devotion in his soldiers. His quick wit and bold nature often conflicted with politicians, but he never compromised his values. He had a great sense of humour and a charismatic personality, and he was loved by his soldiers and civilians alike.

One of his most iconic statements was in 1971 when he was questioned regarding an attack by Pakistan on India. He said, “I guarantee you that if they dare attack us, they shall cease to exist as a nation.” His confidence and clarity of mind characterised his leadership.

Even in retirement in 1973, Manekshaw was still a highly regarded voice in military and strategic matters. Yet, his funeral in 2008 was characterised by the absence of senior political leaders, a move roundly condemned by the public and the military community. Despite this, his reputation remains unblemished.

Honours and Recognition

Manekshaw’s achievements have been recognised in many ways. He was commemorated with the issue of a postage stamp in 2008. The Manekshaw Centre in Delhi, the Manekshaw Parade Ground in Bengaluru, and several roads and institutions bear his name. His victory in the war of 1971 is commemorated annually on Vijay Diwas (December 16).

In 2023, Vicky Kaushal played Manekshaw in the biopic Sam Bahadur, sharing his fantastic tale with a new generation.

A Legacy

Field Marshal Sam Manekshaw was not merely a military general but a beacon of valour, discipline, and strategic ingenuity. His achievements marked the modern history of India’s army and secured the country’s security. As one of India’s most outstanding soldiers, Sam Bahadur will never be forgotten as the man who led India to triumph.

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Editor's Pick

The Many Voices of Hemant Joshi: A Scholar, Journalist, and Poet

A linguist, journalist, and academic, Hemant Joshi’s journey bridges mass communication, literature, and global discourse.

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Joshi, communication, mass, media, journalism

Hemant Joshi is a renowned academic, journalist, and author who has contributed significantly to media education in India. With more than three decades of experience, Joshi has been a Mass Communication and Journalism professor at the Indian Institute of Mass Communication (IIMC), New Delhi, and Jamia Millia Islamia. His areas of expertise include print and broadcast journalism, media theory, and linguistics.

Born on March 27, 1954, at Nainital, Uttarakhand, Joshi received his postgraduate education at Jawaharlal Nehru University (JNU), New Delhi, majoring in Linguistics and French Literature. His profound knowledge of languages has facilitated him working as an interpreter in international conferences, translating between Hindi, English, French, Italian, and Russian. His literary works have also reflected this multilingual expertise, especially in translations and reportage.

A Career in Academia and Journalism

During his career, Hemant Joshi has played a pivotal role in developing the academic literature on journalism and communication in India. He has guided several generations of journalists at IIMC, one of the nation’s top media schools. His research interests cover media ethics, communication tactics, and mass media’s contribution to development.

Outside of academia, Joshi has been actively engaged with global organisations like the International Association of Mass Communication Research (IAMCR) and the International Communication Association (ICA). In 2008, he was elected to the International Council of IAMCR, a recognition of his contributions to media studies on a global scale.

Literary and Scholarly Contributions

In addition to teaching, Hemant Joshi has been a prolific writer and editor. Among his publications are anthologies, translations, and media studies books. Some of his prominent books are:

“Mahayuddhon ke Aaspaas” – An anthology of eight French poets translated into Hindi.

“Arthat” – A compilation of journalistic work by great poet and journalist Raghuvir Sahay.

“Media Writing”, “Journalism and Mass Communication Basics”, and “Communication for Development” – Written in collaboration with his wife, Manjari Joshi, these books are essential texts for media students.

His articles on journalism, regularly published in major Hindi newspapers, deal with a wide range of subjects such as language, media ethics, and global politics.

A Legacy Based on Language and Media

Joshi comes from an intellectual and academic family. He is the in-law of Raghuvir Sahay, a renowned poet and journalist, and Manjari Joshi, his wife, a former TV news anchor, author, and writer. Their sons, Piyush Joshi (MBA, FMS Delhi) and Gunjan Joshi (a Chau dancer and heritage activist) carry forward the family tradition of arts and intellectual endeavours.

His family contains scientists, academicians, and artists to highlight a healthy cultural and intellectual heritage. They include Prof. P.C. Joshi, an educationist; Gaurav Joshi, a space scientist; Hema Singh, a theatre personality; and more.

The Power of Multilingualism in Journalism

Joshi’s mastery of several languages has been a key factor in his professional life. His capacity to translate and interpret between various linguistic environments has not only enriched his journalistic career but also enabled him to make significant contributions to cross-cultural communication. His translations, mainly from French to Hindi, bring world literature closer to Indian readers.

Conclusion

Hemant Joshi’s career is a remarkable blend of journalism, academia, literature, and multilingual expertise. His contributions have shaped the practice and pedagogy of mass communication in India. Whether through his books, translations, or teachings, his influence extends across generations of journalists and scholars. A lifelong advocate for the power of language in media, Joshi’s legacy continues to inspire and inform the evolving landscape of journalism.

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Editor's Pick

Ramanbhai Nilkanth: A Literary Pioneer and Social Reformer

A visionary writer, critic, and reformer, Ramanbhai Nilkanth shaped Gujarati literature with wit, wisdom, and social insight.

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Nilkanth , social, legacy, literary, gujarati

Ramanbhai Mahipatram Nilkanth, born on March 13, 1868, in Ahmedabad, bequeathed the legacy of literature, art, social reform, and intellectual depth. Nilkanth was a novelist, a critic, and a humorist who played a vital role in shaping Gujarat’s literary tradition on the backdrop of the Renaissance era, called the Pandit Yuga, a significant period of renaissance in Gujarat. His satirical novel, Bhadrambhadra(1900), is a classic for integrating humour with social criticism.


Nilkanth did most of his learning under the conservative tutelage of his father, Mahipatram Rupram Nilkanth, who was an illustrious social reformer. He grew up in a progressive environment. He graduated from Gujarat College and studied at Elphinstone College, Bombay, completing his B.A. in 1887, followed by his LL.B. His reform was not merely related to literature. He went into public service and was elected mayor of Ahmedabad and the secretary of the Ahmedabad Red Cross in 1923.


The personal lives of Nilkanths have also been progressive in value. After the first wife’s untimely death, he married Vidyagauri Nilkanth, one of the first female graduates from Gujarat. They became an influential literary and intellectual couple, co-authoring Hasyamandir( 1915), a collection of humorous essays. Their daughters, Vinodini Nilkanth and Sarojini Mehta, later inherited the family’s literary legacy.


Nilkanth did not only write fiction. Vakyapruththakruti ane Nibandh Rachana(1903) and Saraswatichandra nu Avlokan, his epistolary criticism, were about shaping and analysing contemporary literary thought and discourse. In dabbling with the historical and philosophical genre, he sowed seeds in other works in Dharm Ane Samaj(1932, 1935) and Gujaratno Sankshipta Itihas.


His influence poured into the rest of the series of literary productions related to social and cultural thoughts. He was thus conferred the title Rai Bahadur and was knighted in 1927 for his contribution to society. Despite his colossal achievements, he lived a life connected with his roots, giving reverence to social reform and literary excellence until his death on March 6, 1928.

Today, his legacy is celebrated through the Ramanlal Nilkanth Hasya Paritoshik, a literary award established in his honour. His great-grandson, the renowned British travel writer Pico Iyer, continues to uphold his intellectual spirit.

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Editor's Pick

Makarand Deshpande: The Maverick of Indian Theatre & Cinema

A man of many faces—actor, writer, director—Makarand Deshpande has shaped Indian theatre and cinema with his unique style.

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Makarand Deshpande, Indian, Theatre, Play, Cinema, actor

In Indian theatre and cinema, few names have generated as much curiosity and respect as Makarand Deshpande. With his unique style, intense gaze, and distinctive voice, he has established a strong presence in the industry. Whether portraying quirky characters, writing groundbreaking plays, or crafting unique narratives, he consistently captivates audiences with his unconventional approach. Born on March 6, 1966, in Dahanu, Maharashtra, Deshpande’s life as an artist has been as offbeat as the characters he plays.

From Prithvi Theatre to the Silver Screen

Makarand Deshpande’s passion for theatre was initiated in 1990 at the iconic Prithvi Theatre, with strong backing from Sanjana Kapoor. Three years later, in 1993, he established the Ansh Theatre Group with actor Kay Kay Menon. He has penned and directed more than 50 short plays and 40 full-length plays, such as Sir Sirla, Maa In Transit, Krishna Kidding, and Shakespearecha Mhatara. His plays are usually experimental, combining surrealism with profound philosophical introspection, and he is a favourite but unpredictable presence in Indian theatre.

A Scene-Stealer in Indian Cinema

Though theatre will always be his passion, there is no doubt that Makarand Deshpande has influenced Indian cinema significantly. He has essayed an array of character roles in such films as Jungle, Sarfarosh, Swades, Makdee, Satya, Bbuddah… Hoga Terra Baap, and Darna Zaroori Hai. Whether he’s a drunk vagabond, an enigmatic wanderer, or a humourous relief guy, Deshpande leaves no stone unturned in his role.

His experience with the Kannada film scene, significantly as part of the Dandupalya movie series, simply reinforced his name as an artist who excels in off-beat roles. With his habit of portraying such off-beat, creepy, and sometimes unnerving characters, he’s become a natural choice for directors who desire an actor who can adapt dimensions to quirky parts.

A Global Leap with Monkey Man

In 2024, Makarand Deshpande ventured out of his orbit by debuting in English in Monkey Man, an action-thriller directed by Dev Patel. It is an international venture and the latest milestone of his illustrious career, highlighting his reach beyond Indian theatre and cinema.

The Soul of Indian Theatre

Despite his growing recognition in films, Deshpande remains deeply rooted in theatre. His recent play, Patni, co-created with sitar maestro Niladri Kumar, has been widely acclaimed across India, proving that his creative genius continues to evolve.

At 58, Makarand Deshpande is no longer an actor, though. He is an institution in himself—a storyteller who refuses to be confined within one genre, one medium, or one identity. Whether on stage, in front of the camera, or behind the scenes, his art legacy is one of passion, experimentation, and refusal to be contained by any limits of the craft.

For enthusiasts of Indian film and theatre, Makarand Deshpande is not merely an actor—he is an experience.

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