It’s nice to have mommy and daddy together whenever we go out or have dinner together. You feel warm and happy. It’s as if everything is right in the world. But one day, they tell you that you all won’t be together anymore. You’ll be spending some time with Mommy and some time separately with Daddy. The dinner together, the picnic, and the movie nightouts won’t be the same. You will have one piece of the puzzle but it won’t be the same. It will be hard and this is what adults call “divorce” which basically means a separation of your parents from each other but it won’t be the end of everything.
Divorce: What it means?
The term divorce refers to a situation when the marriage between your parents has come to an end. This end is obviously decided by your parents and not others. It doesn’t mean you are at fault or they hate you or they didn’t think of you when they decided it. They probably thought a lot but it seemed like that was the only way all could be happy. I know it sounds weird. How can they be happy by being apart? Think of it like this, you love your friend but sometimes when they do something to hurt you, you separate yourself from them and take some time apart to heal to understand what happened. After that, you may come together and get over the separation but even if you don’t you won’t be upset with each other anymore as you understand why they did what they did. Divorce is something similar, your parents get upset with each other over something that is much more serious than what happened between you and your friend and they need some time apart or separation from each other to understand the other. They may not get back together but their love for you won’t change, and they won’t hate each other so much either.
A lot of things may change following the course of divorce and separation. There will be one less plate to serve during dinner and one less movie ticket, and at times you will feel sad and angry as to why your parents did it but your friend’s parents did not. You will have to spend time separately with your parents now. The schools you go to may change. Your parents may not be so kind to each other on certain occasions.
Divorce doesn’t mean the end of the world. On the contrary, it may mean the start of a different world for you. It may not feel good or happy in the beginning but over time it may feel a little better than good. Sometimes it does so happen that your parents may remain bitter or angry after the divorce, but most of the time parents tend to feel happier after a divorce. And as they feel happier your parents who shower you with love feel a little better and hence love you more.
Why do my parents want to divorce?
There are many reasons why your parents no longer wish to stay together or divorce. It can range from their love changing for each other from the time they got married, to one of the parents falling in love with someone else, to not feeling good around each other and hence fighting all the time, to one parent having an issue such as drinking, gambling, etc. to nothing bad happened but they decided to live apart. The reason can be anything, but you need to understand you didn’t cause it. It’s common to blame yourself and feel like if you had gotten better grades or behaved well this wouldn’t have happened, but that’s never the case.
Wishing to get your parents back is very common, but understand that it’s not up to you. By being on your best behaviour and doing well at school you may make them happy but it won’t make them forget about the divorce.
What should I do when my parents decide to get a divorce?
Be yourself. That’s the best thing you can do when your parents decide to get a divorce. You don’t need to be extra understanding or quiet or lash out a lot, be how you have always been. Just because the situation around you is changing doesn’t mean you need to. You are mad at your parents’ divorce or separation express it. You are sad about your parents’ divorce or separation express it. Don’t hold back anything. You have the right to be mad, sad and every other feeling out in the world because it was not something that they had planned with you. You may have picked up the hints here and there that everything is not okay but that doesn’t mean you thought that they are considering a divorce or a separation. It’s okay to let your emotions get the best of you for some time. But don’t go numb. Feel your emotions and take your time to process them but don’t ignore them. You don’t need to try hard to be an adult when you’re still just a kid.
Ask questions, as many as you want and as detailed as you want. It’s okay to ask them you have a right to know too. But don’t assume and presume things beforehand and let your imagination get the best of you. Your parents are going through or will go through a divorce or separation but it isn’t because of you. If you have doubts or concerns regarding the divorce ask.
Take your time to understand your new situation and adjust to it. It won’t happen over a day, a few weeks or months. Sometimes it may take years, but what you need to know is that your parents will be there waiting for you every step of the way. Click here to find out about a few activities that you can indulge in to help you process your feelings regarding divorce.
Seek help when you need it. If you feel like talking to someone like your favourite teacher or a school counsellor will help do it. Sometimes a third perspective or a perspective from a person who is not in that situation can help make many things clearer. Talking to an elder helps not just because they know more than you but probably because they provide a perspective that neither you nor your friends would have thought of. And just like you understand others from your age better, elders understand elders better.
Conclusion
Divorce or separation of parents is scary even for children who have grown up, you’re still growing up it’s okay to not get it and feel weird about the entire situation. But don’t shut yourself out from others. Take some time to process everything that’s completely fine but come out of it after some time. You don’t have to be a Superman all the time, it’s okay to fall, cry and throw a tantrum, but always remember to get back up again. I know it feels like being stuck in the middle of a never-ending dark tunnel from where you can’t see the beginning or the end, but you will find your way eventually too.
