In the era of online dating and texting it’s hard to build genuine connections that last beyond your chat room. And more than that the freedom that comes with being able to choose who you want to be with the rising acknowledgment of the LGBTQIA+ movement there’s also the burden that comes with deciding who you associate with. But let me tell you a secret, you don’t necessarily have to decide who you associate with and who you love ASAP. It’s not an assignment or a project, it’s your life so stop putting a deadline on it and just enjoy. It’s okay to be confused, explore and to not know who you love.
Is it okay to be confused?
It is more than okay to be confused. Sexual orientation refers to who you are attracted to whereas gender is a social construct and hence very different from your biological sex and refers to who you identify as, such as male, female, trans, etc. The world of LGBTQIA+ is vast and confusing. It gives you the freedom to associate and identify with a variety of sexual orientations and identities. It gives you the freedom to explore but that doesn’t mean it can’t get confusing. It’s okay to get confused but don’t let it stop you from exploring.
We know you must have heard the long tales that people have been harping about regarding the LGBTQIA+ movement and about how recent it is, how it is a passing phase, a fad even. But in reality, it has existed even in ancient times in India. Sure, there wasn’t the whole pride march or pride month but there sure were people who deviated from heterosexuality and identified as cisgender and were tolerated and even supported according to many of the ancient texts that are found in India. Rather LGBTQIA+ became a taboo in India with the import of Western ideals and values which saw it as foreign and degrading, and their immediate action was to put a stop to it legally by introducing laws such as Section 377. What you need to understand is that, regardless of what religion you belong to, regardless of whether your religion views homosexuality as a sin or not, it’s okay to question your sexuality. It may go against your religion at one point but at the same time, you need to understand that with time certain things need to evolve as well. Religion exists because it has staunch believers and one of those believers is you. You need religion as much as your religion needs you. At the end of the day, god won’t determine his love for you based on your sexual orientation and identity, after all, god makes everyone in his own reflection, so you being you which may not necessarily align with the majority could be his reflection as well. So stop trying to measure god’s love for you and try to understand yourself a little more.
How do I know that I am part of the LGBTQIA+ community?
It’s okay to be confused about trying to decipher who you love and who you identify with. As much as we would love to, there is no manual or guidelines for figuring out your identity in the LGBTQIA+ spectrum. Sure you could google and know more about the different sexual orientations and gender identities that people identify with hoping to find who you love and what you are. And most of the time you may succeed. But other times you may still be confused and that’s okay. There is a reason the entire LGBTQIA+ spectrum encourages gender and sexual fluidity and a chance to explore. It’s okay to explore and find out you don’t like certain things and you like certain other things. There is no shame in being confused or choosing to explore. But be aware that if you are in an existing committed relationship you must let your partner know about your wish to explore as they deserve that much honesty from you at the very least. Think of it this way, your partner probably thinks that you are happy with the way things are and has built his/her/their future around you hoping you did or are doing the same. So, when they receive the blow that you may not be sure about the relationship and are still deciding and want to explore, from someone else but you, imagine how devastating it would be. Be honest and open about it from the get-go. They may not be outrightly supportive but their reaction is not in your control, your actions are. You gave them honesty and they didn’t like it but at least you didn’t trap them in a false promise and rather allowed them and yourself to explore and find something more that feels right.
The LGBTQIA+ community is no doubt pretty vast and supportive but you must be aware of the many predators who do exist within the community. Just like the heterosexual and cisgender community the queer community has its fair share of bad apples who will exploit you in your search for identity and love for their selfish gains. And just like the predators in the heterosexual and cisgender community, there is no one way to figure them out. But what you can do instead is be a little sceptical and not so trusting of every person that you meet and be on the lookout for blaring red flags like manipulative tactics, not taking no for an answer, and many more.
According to psychologist Siddique Ummar, “Many people find out who they identify with by identifying with certain characters in popular culture, and hence figure out their gender identity.” But that need not be the case for you. It could be the stepping stone to figuring out who you love and identify with but not the final step. You need to understand that there exist two kinds of attraction primarily, romantic and sexual. You can be attracted to the same gender sexually and romantically or one gender romantically and another sexually in which case it will be called mixed orientation or cross-orientation and that’s okay. Remember only you get to choose who you love and identify with. Nobody else can determine it for you, so it’s okay, take your time to explore.
Conclusion
It’s not easy trudging forward without knowing what you want or like, but you need to know it’s okay to do so. You are living your life for the first time, you can’t be expected to be sure and know exactly what you want all the time. It’s okay to get confused, fall in love and get your heart broken, but don’t ever let that deter you from exploring and finding out who you really are and what you really want. It’s okay to not know who you love. It’s okay to explore.
