You might often wonder, “Why do I behave this way? Why am I so influenced by my connections with others? Why do I approach relationships the way I do? Why do I act differently with the person closest to me? Why am I so deeply attached to them? Why is conflict with my partner so challenging?” The answers to these questions can be found in your attachment style. Understanding your attachment style is crucial to improving any relationship, as these patterns develop during early childhood and influence how we connect with others throughout life, according to attachment theories by Bowlby and Ainsworth. These attachment styles are rooted in our early interactions with primary caregivers, typically our parents. The way they respond to our needs shapes our attachment style and influences our expectations for future relationships. Identifying your attachment style helps explain your behaviour with others, offers insight into how others view you and promotes better communication with loved ones. In this piece, we explore the avoidant attachment style, its traits, and how to make positive changes accordingly.

What is an Avoidant attachment style?

An avoidant attachment style, also known as dismissive-avoidant, typically develops when a child experiences emotional neglect or insensitivity from the caregivers. Caregivers may have been emotionally unavailable, dismissive or rejecting, leading the child to learn that their emotional needs might not be met. To cope, the child often suppresses their feelings and becomes overly self-reliant, minimising their need to connect with others. 

As these children grow into adults, they may continue to believe that they cannot rely on other people to meet their emotional needs and take the responsibility of being their emotional support system. Consequently, it comes at the cost of not forming intimate relationships or connections with others. While this might seem like a functional defensive mechanism, it often leads to difficulty in forming healthy, secure relationships.

Characteristics of Avoidant Attachment Style

Adults with an avoidant attachment style typically exhibit several distinctive traits. These traits serve as defence mechanisms to protect themselves from vulnerability, but they can also prevent meaningful relationships and emotional connections

Independence over connection

People with an avoidant attachment style prefer independence and self-sufficiency. They often avoid relying on others and may feel uncomfortable when others depend on them emotionally. While being independent is not necessarily negative, this extreme form of self-reliance can cause distance in personal relationships. An example of this would be— Rani loves her job and spends most of the time working. When her friends invite her to social gatherings, she usually declines saying she’s too busy. Even when she’s lonely, she convinces herself that she doesn’t need anyone and can handle everything on her own. The core element of this example is the overwhelming nature of connection to Rani and a need to balance between interdependence and independence.

Difficulty expressing emotions

Those with an avoidant attachment style struggle to express their emotions, especially vulnerability or emotional needs. They may minimise or dismiss their feelings, believing that emotions make them appear weak or dependent. This can lead to misunderstandings in relationships, where partners might feel emotionally shut out.

  Mark had a rough day at work but when his partner asks him about how his day went, he replies with “It was good” rather than expressing how he felt throughout the day. Even though he’s stressed and upset, he doesn’t want to burden his partner or let them think he’s weak, so he keeps his feelings to himself. 

Avoidance of intimacy 

One of the core features of this attachment style is the avoidance of deep emotional or physical intimacy. People with this attachment style may become uncomfortable when relationships become too close, often pulling back when their partner seeks a deeper emotional connection. They may also have difficulty trusting others with their vulnerabilities. 

  Emily has been dating John for six months. As their relationship gets more serious, John starts talking about moving in together. Instead of feeling excited even when she thinks John is a suitable partner for her in the long term, she becomes distant and starts spending less time with him, feeling uncomfortable with the idea of getting too close. 

Low tolerance for emotional sensitivity

People with avoidant attachment styles are often uncomfortable with intense emotions, whether they come from themselves or others. They tend to downplay or dismiss emotional outbursts and may appear emotionally distant or unresponsive during emotional situations. 

  During a heated family discussion, Rita feels overwhelmed when her sibling starts crying. Rather than comforting them, she quickly changes the subject and suggests they “just move on” because she feels uncomfortable with the emotional intensity in the room. Rita prefers to keep conversations light and avoids any deep emotional exchanges

Modifying the avoidant attachment style

Self-aware

The first step to every form of self-reflection is to stay self-aware of your own emotions and feelings. Understanding why you feel the way you do is essential to modify your attachment style. Many people with an avoidant style have learnt to suppress their feelings and tend to not recognise them. So starting with recognising and acknowledging them, eventually it becomes easier to name your emotions and work accordingly. Mindfulness, journaling and many more techniques help you to stay in the moment and remain self-aware. 

Challenge

One of the markers of an avoidant attachment style is to not depend on others for any emotional needs. Challenging this negative belief after the first step of being self-aware leads you towards interdependence which is a healthy and natural part of relationships. It is okay to lean on others for emotional support and to let others lean on you. Secure relationships thrive on a balanced exchange of emotional give and take.

Seek therapy

Therapy can be incredibly beneficial for individuals with an avoidant attachment style, especially if the patterns are deeply ingrained. A therapist can effectively help you to reach the root of your problems and work accordingly to make your needs meet. They can help you develop negative beliefs, and develop healthier relationship behaviours. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) has been particularly useful in addressing problems that arise due to attachment styles. Therapy can provide a safe space to practise vulnerability and emotional expression, leading to healthier relationships over time. 

  Avoidant attachment style can pose challenges in relationships, often creating emotional distance, difficulty with intimacy, and a reluctance to rely on others. However, this attachment style is not set in stone. With self-awareness, challenging negative beliefs and seeking therapy, it is possible to step into a more secure attachment style. Whether through self-exploration or therapy, the journey from avoidant to secure attachment is a worthwhile and achievable goal that leads to stronger connections and emotional well-being. 

World Heart Day is observed on 29th September every year, serving as a potent reminder to prioritise heart health. However, it’s essential to understand that mental health plays a crucial role in maintaining a healthy heart. Stress, Anxiety, Depression and other mental health challenges are closely linked to Cardiovascular Diseases – CVDs, one of the leading causes of death worldwide. Understanding and addressing the connection between mental and heart health can make small but significant steps towards holistic well-being.

The Stress-Heart Connection

Stress is a common experience in daily life, but chronic stress can wreak havoc on the heart. When stressed, your body releases stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, which trigger the fight or flight response. While this response is helpful in short bursts, chronic stress keeps the body alert, causing blood pressure to rise, heart rate to increase and arteries to narrow. Over time, these physiological changes increase the risk of developing heart disease.

Some studies have shown that people who suffer chronic stress or conditions like anxiety and depression are more prone to heart attacks, high blood pressure and other heart-related issues. Moreover, individuals with poor mental health are less likely to engage in heart-healthy behaviours, such as regular exercise, a balanced diet and proper sleep.

Emotional Well-being and Heart Health

Emotional health is equally important in maintaining a healthy heart. Feelings of loneliness, sadness and anger can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms like smoking, overeating or alcohol abuse, all of which increase the risk of heart disease. Contrastingly, cultivating positive emotions such as joy, gratitude, and love has been linked to better cardiovascular outcomes.

Practicing mindfulness, yoga, meditation and deep breathing exercises can help reduce stress, coupled with healthy eating and healthy living.

The Role of Therapy and Support

Counselling or therapy for those with mental health problems is the first step in healing towards a healthier heart and also mental health. Cognitive-behavioural therapy, for instance, has minimised the symptoms of depression and anxiety, which is known to reduce the risks of heart disease. Therapy thus builds better coping strategies, helps regulate emotions, and puts one in better support systems, resulting in a healthier heart.

For instance, support groups and interpersonal relationships play the most significant roles in heart health. Talking to family members or talking about emotions can alleviate loneliness and stress, paving the way for positive mental and heart health.

A Heart-Mind Balance

It should be World Heart Day, but we talk only about diet and exercise, not mental health. A healthy mind and heart go hand-in-hand, and nursing them together will ensure a promising future of health and happiness, as brought about by reductions in stress, seeking emotional support, and living mindfully to attain a balance between heart and mind.

Ishwar Chandra Vidyasagar was born on 26th September 1820 in Birsingha, West Bengal; the great scholar was known as the ‘sea of knowledge.’ His life is a tale of unparalleled brilliance in education and social reform in the 19th century, a time when Bengal was grappling with social evils like widowhood and child marriage. He achieved everything, from simplifying the Bangla language to demanding women’s rights; one can consider him among the most revered men of his time.

Vidyasagar’s childhood had a great feeling for knowledge; with his family’s financial loss at the time, he achieved high points in all his studies and scholarships and eventually attained prominence for his work on Sanskrit and philosophy. The Calcutta Sanskrit College conferred on him the title “Vidyasagar,” meaning “Ocean of Knowledge.” His insight into academics was just a forerunner to the outstanding achievements he was about to make as an educator and reformer.

His significant achievement was to press for the Hindu Widow Remarriage Act in 1856. During the great social evil of widowhood, Vidyasagar pleaded for the cause of the widow’s remarriage. He waged a war with the conservative forces of the day and finally, through the support of Lord Dalhousie, saw the passage of the Act that changed many lives of widows throughout India. The transformation was large-scale in a highly patriarchal society. Vidyasagar devoted his life entirely to the cause and got a place in India’s social reforms annals.

His reformatory work in another crucial area pertained to the fight against child marriage. Vidyasagar also proved instrumental in enacting the Age of Consent Act of 1891, which raised the minimum consummation of marriage for girls to 12 years. Though modest by today’s standards, at the time, it represented landmark legislation curtailing the exploitation of young girls in marriage.

A strong advocate of women’s education, Vidyasagar was also credited with founding Bethune School, which is considered one of the earliest institutions for women’s education in Bengal. Education alone, he believed, would rescue the women from the lifelong prison of society. His work as an educator also reached the broader Bengali population. He made the Bangla alphabet and prose easy, making it available to a much more significant section of the people and engendering an emergent culture of letters in Bengal.

Vidyasagar was indeed a multifaceted personality- a man of significant achievements, yet a lowly and selfless soul, placing the needs of others before his own. Towards the end, he went to the Santhal Parganas, where he began his philanthropic activities by setting up schools and a free homoeopathy clinic for the Indigenous tribal population. His profound comprehension of the oppressed and disadvantaged was persistent throughout his life.

He passed away on 29th July 1891. Ishwar Chandra Vidyasagar’s legacy continues to inspire generations. His perception and boldness in countering socialistic forces remain relevant to contemporary India, where his work continues to influence social reform and education.

Vidyasagar’s unwavering commitment to education and the cause of women’s rights became the building block for India’s successful reform. His work continues to impact the lives of Indians even today, shaping the country’s social and educational landscape.

  You might often wonder, “Why do I behave this way? Why am I so influenced by my connections with others? Why do I approach relationships the way I do? Why do I act differently with the person closest to me? Why am I so deeply attached to them? Why is conflict with my partner so challenging?” The answers to these questions can be found in your attachment style. Understanding your attachment style is crucial to improving any relationship as well as therapy, as these patterns develop during early childhood and influence how we connect with others throughout life, according to attachment theories by Bowlby and Ainsworth. These attachment styles are rooted in our early interactions with primary caregivers, typically our parents. The way they respond to our needs shapes our attachment style and influences our expectations for future relationships. Identifying your attachment style helps explain your behaviour with others, offers insight into how others view you, and promotes better communication with loved ones. In this piece, we explore the disorganised attachment style, its traits, and how to make positive changes accordingly.

What is a disorganised attachment style?

The Disorganised attachment style is more complex and unpredictable than the secure, anxious or avoidant attachment styles. It occurs when a child experiences fear or confusion about their primary caregiver, often because the caregiver is simultaneously a source of safety and fear. 

   This attachment style often arises in children whose parents have been inconsistent, abusive, neglectful, or frightening. These children don’t develop a coherent strategy for dealing with relationships because their caregivers’ behaviour is erratic. As a result, they may feel deeply conflicted between the need for closeness and the instinct to protect themselves from harm. This pattern, formed in early childhood, frequently carries over into adult relationships, manifesting in behaviours and emotions that can be difficult to change. A few signs of a disorganised attachment style are

• Intense emotional ups and downs
• Difficulty setting boundaries
• Fear of abandonment 
• Frequent conflicts and breakups 

 They desperately crave connection but it becomes difficult for them to achieve that due to their internal conflict. 

Characteristics of Disorganised Attachment Style

  Disorganised attachment is marked by blame of contradictory behaviours, where individuals oscillate between seeking closeness and withdrawing. Some common characteristics of a disorganised attachment style include

Negative self-view

People having this attachment style often have a low self-esteem or a negative self-image. They may feel unworthy of love or doubt their ability to maintain healthy relationships. These feelings can contribute to a sense of shame or guilt, which further complicates their interactions with others. An example of this would be when you probably make a small mistake at work, you might beat yourself up thinking you’re not good enough or that everyone will eventually realise you’re a failure

Internal conflict

This becomes a crucial characteristic of this attachment style as people who have experienced inconsistencies first-hand tend to not understand themselves. People with this style often feel pulled in different directions, wanting to be close but feeling unsafe or unsure about how to approach intimacy. They may love their partner deeply but simultaneously feel anxious or frightened by the idea of vulnerability. An example of this would be when you find yourself wanting to be close to someone by going out with them often but pulling yourself away when they invite you to dinner themselves because you’re unsure whether it’s safe to trust them. 

Frequent conflict in relationships 

Relationships with a partner or yourself, having a disorganised attachment style often experience high levels of conflict. The fear and anxiety that underlie their attachment style can lead to misunderstandings, miscommunication, and emotional outbursts. These conflicts can be exhausting for both partners and create a cycle of instability. An example of this would be when you and your partner may get into arguments over small things, but after each conflict, you feel confused about why it escalated and regret your actions.

Difficulty with boundaries

Because of the confusion and lack of a secure base during childhood, individuals with disorganised attachment styles may struggle with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. They might allow others to cross personal limits or have trouble enforcing boundaries, which can lead to feelings of being overwhelmed or resentful in relationships. An example of this would be when a friend asks you for a favour and you say yes to it even though you’re exhausted with other things in your life. This leads you to be extremely resentful towards your friend, yourself and the favour by being passive-aggressive because you do not know how to deal with the situation by talking about it.

How to Improve Disorganised Attachment Style?

While a disorganised attachment style can be challenging, it is possible to improve this attachment style and build healthier relationships. This often requires self-awareness, patience and therapeutic intervention but change is achievable. Here are some steps to help individuals with disorganised attachment style to help improve their behaviours in relationships

Seek therapy

Therapy, particularly the trauma-informed approaches, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), or attachment-based therapy can be incredibly helpful in addressing the root causes of this style. Working with a therapist can help individuals process childhood trauma, understand their emotional patterns, and develop healthier ways of relating to others. 

Engage in self-reflection

Regular self-reflection helps individuals recognise their attachment-related behaviours and the ways these behaviours impact their relationships. Asking oneself questions such as “What am I feeling right now?”, “Why do I reach the way I do?”, “What should I do to make myself feel better?” And many more can increase awareness of the situation and yourself further promoting change.

Practice Patience

Changing attachment patterns, especially the disorganised attachment style is a gradual process. Individuals must be patient with themselves and understand that progress may be slow but steady. Relapses into old behaviours are normal, but the key is to remain committed to growth and healing. 

Improve communication 

People with disorganised attachment often struggle with communication in relationships. Developing clear, open, and honest communication can help improve trust and reduce conflict. Learning to express needs and emotions calmly, without fear or rejection or abandonment can foster healthier dynamics in relationships. Couples therapy or relationship coaching can also help develop these skills.

  Disorganised attachment style can be challenging, both for the individual and their relationships. However, with self-awareness, therapy and intentional effort, it is possible to heal from the effects of early trauma and form healthier, more secure relationships. By understanding the roots of disorganised attachment, individuals can begin to navigate their relationships with greater emotional stability, trust and resilience.

Sayantani Dasgupta’s The Party is a brilliant set of short stories that deepens one’s understanding of the complexities of emotions and relationships and elucidates the forms of contemporary Indian society. With thirteen unique stories, Dasgupta has woven a colourful tapestry of characters who contend with individual crises, conflicts, and change. The book is both a scathing social commentary and an incredibly intimate portrait of life in contemporary India; wit, vulnerability, and depth are woven together seamlessly.

Theme and Narrative Style

The very heart of The Party consists in the analysis of pressures that one faces in society and internal conflict caused by cohabitation with different socio-economic and family backgrounds. Dasgupta herself portrays a big bouquet of characters from homemakers to corporate professionals, each struggling to respond simultaneously to a mix of existential questions, cultural expectations, and self-wills. The stories comment on such themes as gender relations, class conflicts, suppression of emotions, and the problem of tradition restraining the urge for modernity.

A very skilful characteristic of the writing is that, as does Jhumpa Lahiri and the Indian writer Sudha Murty, Dasgupta invests layer upon layer of meanings and tension into everyday situations. Whether it is an ordinary family get-together or a purportedly routine social gathering, she turns on the sight of underlying anxieties, resentment, and hidden desires that shape human behaviour. For this reason, the stories have a flavour of universality while firmly rooted in Indian socio-cultural contexts.

Character Development

Dasgupta’s characters are best described as highly detailed and three-dimensional. They are neither good nor bad but belong to the moralistic grey areas that make them relatable and human. For instance, in the title story “The Party,” a perfectly disguised housewife and hostess begins to disintegrate under the pressure of social expectations. The story probably captures the emotional isolation and quiet desperation that lies behind that gleamingly pristine life of outward beauty, evoking sympathy for that which the women often have to be.

Another notable work has been “Inheritance,” which explores the thorny issues of family, tradition, and the burden it places on an individual. It portrays how to simultaneously hold onto family duty and build one’s identity. The powerful emotional depth in the paintings through Dasgupta makes readers return and ponder over their lives and relationships.

Language and Style

Dasgupta’s prose is elegant and intelligent. There is lyricism in it, but it also has excellent smoothness, sharp as a needle when required; dialogue sounds very natural and full of subtle irony or mood-edging humour that makes even the tensest situations witty. The vivid description of the settings sets their complete psychological insight into the inner worlds, often metaphors for emotional states.

Social Commentary

Although The Party is a personal novel, it presents a broader commentary on rigid structures of class, gender, and tradition in Indian society. Dasgupta makes no bones about criticising patriarchal norms that restrained the freedom of women or class barriers that separated people in those societies when those boundaries existed within the same spaces. Yet, she does all this without open didacticism; instead, she lets these critiques seamlessly weave into the fabric of her stories, where the reader thinks over the complexities of modern Indian life.

Conclusion

The Party is a solid and thought-provoking collection that gives a sharp lens into the lives of its characters whilst holding up a mirror in front of the reader. With Sayantani Dasgupta’s brilliant ability to outline the beauty and darkness of human experiences, this book is an exciting read. Every story is a call to musing by the fragile balance that shapes relationships, identity, and society.